Joseph, son of Jacob, is in the hands of the Ishmaelites, sold because of the jealousy and hatred his older brothers held for him.

 The Ishmaelites traveled to Egypt and sold Joseph to the Pharaoh’s Captain of the Guard, Potiphar.   Joseph did very well and seemed to have the Lord’s blessing. Joseph was given the title of “attendant to the captain of the guard.” The house was running like clockwork. The house was blessed under Joseph’s watch.

While Potiphar was out and about Joseph was in charge. No problem right? WRONG! Seems Mrs. Potiphar had the hots for Joseph because according to the book Joseph was HOT! Not hot like coal, but hot like good looking.  Joseph, being the saintly person he was, took his job seriously and the misses, for him, was off limits. He wanted no part of the lady. She got him alone one day while she was on the prowl and made another pass at him. When she grabbed his coat for some loving, he wiggled out and ran. Feeling spurned, she made up this story that Joseph the Hebrew attacked her and made illicit passes. The nerve of this Hebrew! Waddabitch!

Potiphar of course believed her and placed Joseph in the Pharaoh’s jail.

While Joseph was in jail, the warden took notice of Joseph and saw how the Lord favored him.  He took a liking to Joseph and put him in charge of all those in the prison. The prison, under Joseph’s watch, ran smoothly.  Landed on his feet he did and kept running. Talk about grit. 

Sometime later the Pharaoh’s cupbearer and baker offended the Pharaoh and they were placed in jail and put under Joseph’s watch. They had this weird dream for which they could not decipher.  Joseph, being the dreamer he was, deciphered the dreams. One was good. One, not so good.  Basically, Joseph told them one would be back in the Pharaoh’s graces and the other would die.   

It happened as Joseph predicted. The Pharaoh released the cup bearer and the other one was killed for his indiscretions. The cupbearer was like, “Dude, you have a gift. I’ll remember this and pass a good word on to the Pharaoh.” He forgot and Joseph spent quite some time in the pokey.  

Two friggin’ years he was in jail before the cup bearer remembers Joseph.  Happens the Pharaoh had four dreams for which his advisors could not interpret.  The cup bearer told the Pharaoh about Joseph, and Joseph was brought before the Pharaoh to interpret the dreams.

Seven years of feast and seven years of famine were to fall upon the kingdom, is what Joseph told the Pharaoh.   Joseph also said to the Pharaoh he should look for a discerning and wise man and put him in charge of the land of Egypt. Let Pharaoh appoint commissioners over the land to take a fifth of the harvest of Egypt during the seven years of abundance, store the grain under the Pharaoh’s authority in the cities to be kept as reserves for the lean years ahead.  

            The Pharaoh asked his people if there was anyone like Joseph amongst his people who had the smarts and spirit of God in his favor. They did not and Joseph was put in charge of Egypt.  The Pharaoh’s right hand man. Number two, imagine that? In jail one day and overseer of all Egypt the next. Joseph was 30 years old.  Joseph was given the Pharaoh’s signet ring and dressed in the finest linen. Joseph was given a gold chain to be placed around his neck.

            Joseph was given a bride, Asenath and had two kids with her, Manasseh and Ephraim, who were born before the famine. Things happened as Joseph predicted. Seven years of plenty. They stocked up as Joseph ordered. When the famine hit it and spread over the whole country and neighboring lands, Joseph opens up the store houses and sells the grain to the people. All the countries came to Egypt to buy the grain and Egypt was prospering monetarily.

            Joseph’s father Jacob, heard about this and sent all but the youngest son Benjamin to buy some grain. Can you see where this is heading?

Judah and Tamar

      Chronologically I am not sure where this fits in, but it comes before my next blog. Judah finds a bride after he left his brothers, probably a smart move. The boys would be heading for the pokey if not for the "favored status." He moves down to the land of Canaan and finds a bride. Shua is her name and they have three kids. Er is first followed by Onan, then Shelah.  Time goes by and it's time to find a bride for Er. Her name is Tamar.
   
      Before the wedding is consummated the Lord wakes up. Whoa, wait just a minute he must say. How did I miss this gem. Er was wicked. How wicked you ask? Well I'll tell you. He was so wicked the Lord wacked him. "Poof" Just like that.

Well you'd think that would be it, nope. Guess what the brother-in-law had to do in those days? Sleep with his brother's wife. If she is hot you may say whoo - hoo if she is not,  you can use your imagination. If you're not interested you may think about doing what son # 2 did. "Son" said dad, "lie with your brother's wife and fulfill your duty  to her as a brother- in- law to produce offspring for your brother." Onan wanted none of that, but you did not refuse your father in those days so, he lay with her, but pulled out before injecting her with his seed.

      The Lord must be into voyeurism, for he found out about the spilled seed and "WHAM!" Whacked poor Onan. What do we learn here kiddies? Good thing the Lord is kinder and gentler. Because I don't know about you, I would be headed for the bug zapper.
       Don't end here. Judah says to Tamar, "Why don't you go live with your father as a widow and when little Elmer here grows up you can marry him."  NO WAY IN HELL!  Just lost two to you, you think I'm losing my youngest to the black widow.

 Side note here- why is it her fault? It is not, but those were the days my friends.   


      Years go by and Judah doesn't keep his word. His wife dies and he grieves for a while. After the grieving, he heads down to see how his herd is going. Tamar hears the word about her father-in-law heading her way so she heads out. She takes off her widow ware and slips into something more comfortable. Oh, and she covers her face so he won't recognize her. Did I tell you that is what prostitutes did in those days? She sits by a shrine on the side of the road.

     Here comes old Judah, sees this fine young honey just sitting there, it's not like she says "Hey sailor." He propositions her. She says, "What will be my payment?" and he promises a baby goat. But, she is no dummy, she knows Judah's word is not worth the dirt on the ground, so she wants collateral. Judah pledges his seal and cord, also the staff in his hand.

      They get it on, he gets a move on, she goes home and gets changed back into her widow's garb. Judah sends the pledge, can't find the shrine prostitute so he gets his goat back. Hope word doesn't get out because that would be bad.

      Three months go by and he gets word about his daughter-in-law and her "changed status."  "Slut," he says "Burn that wicked woman. How dare she?" She is accused of being a prostitute. "Now, just wait a minute," she says "The baby daddy is the owner of these." And she shows the pledge. Check friggin' mate, sucka!

Like a politician caught taking a bribe, he scuttles like the rat he is and acknowledges she is more righteous than he because he did not give her his youngest. And he did not sleep with her again.

      She had twins. Maybe we will hear about them later.

  
Lesson for today is: Good thing we're not living by the Old Testament. Just saying!

Sibling rivalries

          A few monikers come to mind when I read about these people, some would call them "terms of endearment." For instance, while I was patrolling the streets of Brooklyn we used the term "dirt bag," some would say "rednecks" or, like where I live in Vermont, the term "woodchuck" would be used. But, my wife quickly scolded me because in certain parts of this state, it is a term of endearment. Sorry honey, but it is derogatory, not a nice term.  Where I grew up in Inwood, Long island we used to be called "Bay Rats" or "mud ducks" because of the proximity to the bay and our usual debauchery and lack of the finer things.

         Anyhoo, I'll use "Dirt Bags." These dirt bags, Jacobs kids, were herders. Not very good at it according to Joseph, the second youngest and Jacob's favorite. The brothers despised Joseph for the favored status of the father. Matter of fact, Joseph made a special multicolored jacket for him of the finest materials.  The brothers did not have a kind thing to say about Joseph...ever! Joseph would rat on his brothers about their poor work ethics to dad.  Joseph was also a dreamer, he once dreamt that his sheaf (like a round hay bale) stood up on its own and his brothers' sheafs bowed down to it.

          You little turd. They were like, if you think we will bow to you you have another think coming. This pissed them off. But, when Joseph told him that in his last dream the sun, moon and eleven stars bowed down to him, they had enough. They hated him for it.

         What we don't know here is if Joseph was was one of those snot nose arrogant type of spoiled kids who you want to smack about the head and body just because. But we will take it like the brothers are the "dirt bags"

       Jacob says to Joseph one day, "BOY! Why don't you go on out and see what your brothers are doing?  Then report back to me."  Joseph did.  The brothers saw him coming and plotted his death. Like I said, "Dirt Bags." Only one brother, Reuben, wanted no part of this and tried to help. Reuben came up with a plan to throw him down a cistern (well) so he can return later and save him. They agreed to toss him down the well and leave him. They did not want to shed their own kins blood. They grabbed Joseph, took his robe, tied him up, then threw him down the well.

     Nice guys huh? They decide to sit by the cistern and eat. While they are drinking Budweiser and nibbling on goat cheese doodles (Dirt Bags love Bud) a band of traveling Ishmaelites come traipsing by. Judah has this big idea, "Hey, let's sell Joseph to the Ishmaelites." They agree. Better than killing him and we'll never see him again. So for 20 shekels of silver, Joseph is sold.... Then he is later sold in Egypt to the Pharaohs Captain of the Guard, Potiphar. Sucks don't it! But it  works out for Joseph, a later blog.  Not so for Judah, the next blog.

       The brothers killed a goat, splattered the multicolored robe with the blood, and told Jacob Joseph was eaten by wild animals. Jacob believed them and mourned. Oh he also tore his clothes. I forgot that Reuben also tore his clothes when he found out what happened to Joseph. Whats with the tearing of  clothes? maybe we will get the meaning later.
         

Jacob's lot

"I am God of Abraham and Isaac, I will always be by your side and protect you. I will give you many children, like the grains of sand on a beach. The land that you are lying on now will belong to you and your children."
    
 "Jacob's ladder," heard of it. Now I know the reference. That was his vision when he was told he was going to have lots of kids.



Twelve in all, eleven boys and one girl Dinah. The crew is getting too big for the area and has to move. A rebellious group are they. Not one I would invite to Casa de Miller anytime soon, cause they would rob me blind and have me thanking them for doing so, because they were the Lord's "favored people"

    The first place they settled, their daughter Dinah was violated by Shechem, son of Hamor the Hivite, ruler of the area, who then was so enthalled with her he wanted her hand in marriage. Sounds like she may have been a willing partner. We are only getting one side of the story here, and so far I'm not too impressed with the word of this crew.

       The brothers from hell wanted no part of that. They were pissed that their sister had sex with Shechem.The offer was made for her hand and Hamor offered them what ever price they wanted. Hamor even welcomed them into his land and wanted peace, looking forward to the day when the children of Jacob mingled and went forth to be fruitful with his community.

       Because they thought Dinah was violated, they told Hamor to have all the men folk circumcised. It would be a disgrace for their women to mingle with uncircumcised males. Shechem and Hamor agreed and also convinced the town folk the same. 

      Told the town folk this was a win-win situation, we can both prosper. "These were nice people".

      Guess what? After the weenies were sliced and the men were in pain, two of the chosen few, Simeon and Levi slaughtered every male in town, then the others took the women and their possessions as booty. 

     When Jacob found out what had happened he was like W.T.F. now we have to get out of here because we are few in numbers and when the other area towns find out about this we're dead-meat. Told his lot to get rid of the loot and women and change their clothes. Cleans yourselves. 

        I love the attitude of these two guys. "Should he have treated our sister like a prostitute" ...WHAT! You slaughter a village for one man's actions and have no remorse?  

      God says to Jacob, run back to where you came from I'll cover your ass so no one follows you. And he does? Go make an altar to me and all will basically be forgiven. Jacob makes the altar where he had his vision of "Jacob's ladder". where the Lord first spoke with him.  

     His last kid, Benjamin, is born on the way and his wife Rachel dies after childbirth. Supposedly there is still the pillar which marks Rachel's grave standing. 

    Insult to injury, Reuben, Jacob's oldest, sneaks into daddy's concubines  tent one night and slips her the Hebrew national.Why is this important? I don't know, it is in the book. Perhaps it will be relevant later.

Issacs Kids, Esau and Jacob

We continue our journey through the Bible with my thoughts on Issac's kids; Esau and Jacob. Well, just look at the history of the names. Esau ="Hairy-Red".  Jacob= "Grasps the heel-deceitful". The name definitions should give you a heads up to what is coming.

The more I read, the more this sounds like a modern soap opera.  Who is doing who and who is jealous of who and how can I get ahead of that guy.

Jacob is the guy that by any means necessary he will get ahead and Esau is the guy you just want to slap upside the head and say "wake up dumb ass". Esau was the first born of Issac and was a man of the open land. A hunter man of substance, a provider.  Jacob was a mama's boy, nuff said. Issac favored Esau and you would figure that he would be the man, seeing that the favored person always gets ahead...

Mama's boy Jacob was her favorite and would be the cog here. Starting off when Esau comes back from a hunt famished. Jacob is making a red soup and Esau is hungry so you figure he would just go and get some. Sorry folks. He asks Mama's boy to fetch him some chow. Jacob makes a deal: Esau's birthright for some chow. I'm screaming "don't do it!" but he did not listen to me. How hungry can you be to do that? 

 

          Oh it gets better!  Issac is getting on in years and he knows his time is short. He wants to bless Esau before he passes on. Says to Esau, "Go fetch me some of that tasty game and make me a meal then I will give you my blessing." Don't you know Rebekah, Jacob's champion, was listening in and wanted Jacob to get the blessing of Ole Issac. Tells Jacob the story and has him (while Esau is out hunting) get her two young lamb for her to cook up and he, Jacob, will go in Esau's place. Jacob slightly resists, probably because of their physical differences but Mom throws some lamb skin on Jacob and dresses Jacob in Esau's clothes and Jacob gets the blessing.  I'm saying to myself "you S. O. B. Esau is going to kick your ass!"

Oh is Esau pissed when he gets back and finds out  about the "Deception." Instead of kicking his ass, he broods like a little girl crying to Issac "Why can't you bless me?" Good question. Why can't he just take it back? Makes you think about the power of the word and what you say to someone. They didn't fool around back then.

         Issac gives Esau some lame blessing and while Esau plans Jacob's demise Rebekah says "RUN FOREST" another story, but it fits. Issac and Rebekah come up with a story about how he needs to find a mate and Issac sends him off to mama's homeland because they live in Canaan, (remember Cain), his land, and they think they're better than those lowlifes.

          Esau finds out about this and finds a daughter of... wait for it...wait for it....Ishmael! Well not really his daughter, just a female relation and not only does he marry her, but another Canaanite as well. Oh does this irritate the family! The original "guess whose coming to dinner". I didn't make it up, it's in the book!

          Back to Jacob and welcome to Peyton Place. Jacob is on the lamb, frightened, but he had a vision one night, so vivid and wonderful, seeing the stairway to heaven and angels coming and going.  Jacob accepted the Lord into his heart and promises 10 percent of his future wages.

         Jacob crossed the river Jordan with nothing, but the staff he is carrying and stumbles to the land of Uncle La Ban Nabor. Sees his future bride watering her heard and makes a deal with Uncle Labon: 7yrs servitude for this beauty. Wouldn't this be his cousin? "Like sand through the hour glass..." See, soaps.

Ah, uncle Labon is a shrewdy.  He has an older daughter and deceives the deceiver and gives him her, who I guess is no beauty, but he lies with her...not tell a lie, but bed type of lie.  Jacob says "WTF Labon?! You screwed me!" "Oh no my son", says Labon. "Can't just give you Rachel while Leah, the oldest, is still a lady in waiting. How about I make you a deal?"                               

(Jacob should have ran!)

         
"Give Leah her bridal week, and I'll give you Rachel for 7 yrs servitude."  That's 14 years!
"Deal" he says, now he has two wives.

Treats Leah like crap.  The Lord sees how Leah is treated and dries up Rachel. Leah has four kids whilst Rachel has nadda. Pisses her off, it does. Oh, one of the kids is named Judah. I think he becomes important later on. Not sure, but I think...

History is going to rear its ugly head. Rachel wants kids so she offers one of her maidservants for him to marry. He does! Has some kids and Rachel is happy. Now Leah is pissed cause she is getting no sleepy time with Jacob, so she has not been able to procreate and offers up her maid servant.

Dumbass takes her up on it and now the kiddie race is on. At least Jacob is getting a lot of sack time with the ladies, but who is tending the sheep? Somewhere in this mess there is a fight over mandrake plants and a trade is made. All this trading? One of Leah's kids finds this stuff and Rachel wants some. Makes a deal for the other to get some loving time with their man and pops another kid, a boy, then finally, Dinah, a girl.

About 20 years passes here in Peyton Place, and Rachel is the one out and complains to the Lord and low and behold she has a boy, Joseph. Now I know I've heard his name before.

Jacob is getting homesick and wants to go, but Uncle, I mean father-in-law, Labon, is upset because he figures the Lord has Jacob's favor and he has become a rich man because of Jacob. Labon don't want to lose his cash cow. They go back and forth, and like a thief in the night, Jacob hightails it. Rachel ransacks the home of her dad while he is out, and there is a big tadoo when Papa catches up with them and they agree to disagree and build a stone pile saying basically I'll stay here and you stay there. I love ya, good-bye, hugs kisses, pats the grand kids on the ass and off they go.

Remember this guy the hairy red head? So does Jacob and he prepares his tribe to split in two so when Esau comes to get him at least half the tribe will live. Jacob gets tribute ready for Esau and sends emissaries ahead. The emissaries come back and tell Jacob Esau is coming with 400 people. Whoa is he nervous. Getting close now, Jacob, at night, sends off the community of folk in waves, he stays back and out of some where this guy shows up for a wrestling match. I find out Jacob is quite the wrestler because he is holding his own with this guy. Who the hell are you, he asks? And the guy sees he can't overpower this mere mortal an zaps his hip and wrenches it out of the socket. Come to find out the guy is no other than, God! God is impressed with Jacob and says you will no longer go by that name. I now call you Isreal.

         So much for mama's boy, he turns out to be a tough dude! But if he is so scared of his brother, his brother must be a monster. That is figuratively. The name "Bear Jew" comes to mind from a movie I saw, those "Inglorious Basterds." Watch it, and you will figure out the reference.

 They finally meet and instead of getting a shiv in the back from Esau, he gets a big hug and they live happily ever after.