Thursday, September 30, 2010

Ishmael and Issac

          I'm having a hard time with Abraham and his lack of patience. Didn't the lord say that he would be the father of nations? Looking back at his forefathers, he was still a baby. I don't know about your wife, but I would get a kick in the ass even if I thought about grabbing on Hagar and go begetting,. Even if it was her idea!  TEST! You know, not only is the Lord testing  you, so is she and guess what Abraham? You failed the test. Go ahead, I'm all dried up, (RRriight) TEST! 

      No way here brother, I won't go there. My wife is a black belt, and I don't want to wake up hanging from it. Wouldn't do it anyway, honey! And what kind of name is Hagar? You know Ishmael is going to be treated like a red headed step child in an albino colony.  So finally Sara is able to procreate. SEE Abe ya just had to trust in the Lord. Here comes Issac and guess what?  Sarah boots Hagar and Ishmael the first chance she gets.
          Abraham hears voices again, and the voice tells him to take his son and sacrifice him. "WHAT?" Is this another test? Ole Abe is not going to disobey the Lord again so he tells Issac to go fetch some wood so we can make burnt offerings and sacrifice a little lamb. Issac must do a double take cause he does not see any kind of four legged creature around. I'm sure Abraham had a Cheshire cat grin on his face when he told Issac, don't worry the lord will provide. Good thing there are no phones cause I was going to call child protective services on his ass. I would too. Just what was going through Isaac's head while he was being tied up by daddy and put on a wood pile? Daddy I didn't mean to take that extra cookie, promise. And just at the last minute an Angel grabs Abraham's hand and saves Issac. I .  WOULD .   BE  .  PISSED. Lord or not. Sorry. Look who just became a pagan, matter of fact gimme that piece of foreskin back. Jerk...just kidding

         Everything worked out, and Isaac must have forgiven his father because in a little bit Abraham sends off a servant to find a mate for Isaac and comes back with one. That is the next story. 

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Abraha, Sarah, Ishmael and Issac

          Now after all the begetting and go forth and procreating we come to Abram - Abraham.  There is no question of his fear of the Lord or faith in the lord whatever you prefer, for he almost sishkabobed his son Issac after the lord told him to do so. If not for an angel who at the last second said "Whoa! Just kidding". We will get back to that.

The question is why does the Lord have so much favor on such persons? Pre-Isaac, Abraham marries his niece Sarah, but along his travels from his homeland, Ur, today's Iraq, he is not very honest. He twice tells two separate kings in lands he is squatting in that Sarah is his sister so the kings won't kill him? Why would they want him dead in the first place? Anyhoo, the Lord sees that these kings have Abraham's wife and does horrible things to them, their lands, and their people. These kings say "What the hell? Why would you do such a thing?" so they pay him off with goods and livestock and tell Abraham to skedaddle. 

           Now Sarah has been barren and Abraham has been promised by the Lord that his kin will prosper and fill the land like sand on the beach. He is about 90 yrs old and Sarah knows the Lord's prophesies so she says "take Hagar my maidservant, and go forth and be fruitful". So he does, and she bears Ishmael. 
        
Abraham's nephew, Lot, has been tagging along and gets into a few scuffles and they part and Lot settles near Sodom and Gomorrah. These three visitors come and visit Abraham and they turn out to be the Lord and two of his henchman, (ahem) I mean angels. He tells Abraham he is not happy about the crazy Sodom and Gomorrahians and their swinging ways. Abraham has the Lord make a deal if he finds one person who is worthy of the Lord's benevolence he will save them. Guess what? He did not find a soul. Poor bastards.
         
          So Abraham, he has the henchmen, I mean Angels, warn Lott and his family and gives him time to exit the area. But the caveat is no looking back! The dumb sons of  bitches from town found out that Lot had visitors and stormed Lot's home.  The sickos wanted to have sex with them. Did not fare well for them did it?

         His wife can't resist and looks back and is now a salt pile some where in Jordan. You know the rest. With no eligible bachelors around, Lot's daughters get restless and get him drunk and have their way with him and get themselves knocked up by their dad. It's in the book!

          Back to Abraham- During the visit the lord tells Abraham he will have a son with Sarah. They do. And at the ripe old age of 90, Sarah has Issac.  Oh yea, I forgot. Abraham and Ishmael were the first two to get circumcised, this was a covenant they made with the Lord. And we circumcised males have suffered the few extra minutes of loving since.  

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Babel

          Now that Noah's Relations have been  fruitful and have prospered.  They figure out how to make bricks and they get this big idea: Let's build a city and live together so we're not scattered through the world. We will make a name for ourselves by building a tower to heaven. 

                                                    Spirit of cooperation right?

          The Lord strolls around and finds this monstrosity and says, No friggin way! I DON'T THINK SO! I don't want these mere mortals hanging with me.  Now, he promised Noah he would play nice and pulled a little magic out of his hat.  

          "Ill fix these smart asses."   He is a little scared that if these guys with their common language can do this together,  there is no telling what they can do. 

          "BAM" lets confuse these guys with the different languages. So the next day they're all babbling to each other cause they don't know what the hell the other is saying.

          So much for cooperation! And he scattered them all over the earth where they can live amongst people who know what the hell they're saying.

          Now, when someone calls you a babbling idiot you know where it comes from.

Im On a Boat!

I’m on a boat!

       At 500 yrs of age Noah fathers Shem, Ham and Japheth!!!!           

          So, the lord is not happy with his evil wicked people, and is going to wipe the slate clean. But he finds Noah, at around 600 years of age, to be a righteous man, blameless amongst the people of his time.  Noah is in his favor, good thing Cain is not around.  Noah is advised of God's plan and God advises Noah to build a boat (ARK).  He gives Noah specific measurements: 450’ long by 75’ wide by 45’ high.  Bigger than a destroyer, but smaller than an aircraft carrier.
        
          [These measurements were put to the test by some very smart people, a Dr. Henry Morris in 1971 and a David Collins in 1977. They concluded the Ark would have been stable and would have been sea worthy, more stable than modern ships due to the fact that Noah wasn’t worried about getting anywhere in a hurry. That gets into hull design for which I haven’t a clue. ]

        So we know the ark is capable.

        God tells Noah how to build the interior and who his passengers will be: 7 of every kind of clean animal (Clean animal? Shouldn’t  they all be clean, who wants a dirty animal in a cramped space for an unknown length of time?) a male and it's mate,  and 2 of every type of unclean animal, a male and its mate. 7 pair of all the birds (that’s going to be a lot of poo) and Noah’s family.

 Plus food for the trip. 

The manifest was changed from the original two of each seven days prior to departure.

            Now Noah is 600 yrs old when the rains come and for 40 days and nights the flood waters came.  Can you imagine the stench inside that sealed ark? What about the sanitary issues. How the heck did they get rid of all the crap?  I'm sure more than one person got sea sick. There was only one window, which by the way was “SEALED!”
That is a small space for all the species of the world. What did the Unicorn do to not get invited?

Then the rain stopped, but the ark was floating around for another 150 days! Hence the need for stability, not forward speed because they didn’t really have anywhere to go.  That gave time for all the evil nasty creatures whom breathed life from its nostrils to die and become food for the fishes. (Heard there is a story of a guy later on who swims with a whale.)

           
            So the Ark finally lands in the mountains of Ararat, but they're still locked in for a few more months. Oh my!

             So he sends a raven out to survey the situation for a while, then a dove is sent out a few times until a dove comes back with a fresh olive leaf. Time to go!

All totaled, about a year locked up with all the nastiness.  God gives the all clear sign, and Noah and family are to start anew.

God says he won’t do that again, even though he knows there is evil in man's heart from childhood. (Just ask any parent of a toddler) Noah is told to go forth and be fruitful and increase in number...at 601 years old! Go forth and be fruitful!

A pact is made with Noah and family, everything that lives and moves will be food for you.  But, make sure the animals don’t have their lifeblood when you eat them.  

God made a rainbow as a sign of his pact between them. Wonder if there is a pot of gold?

Noah lives to be 950 years old.
The world is re-populating. Here we go again?



Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Fuzzy Math

So now Adam and Eve are on their own and the Garden of Eden is off limits and guarded by cherubim and a flaming sword.
        
Here come Cain and Abel, that makes four.
Cain is pissed that Abel is in higher favor with the Lord and does him in. That makes three. Or does it?
"Cain Lay with his Wife" What the? Where did she come from? Last I heard there was three. So, I hear from reliable sources Genesis is not in chronological order and he married his sister, eww.


And Cain builds this city called Enoch??? (scratching my head) Who is going to live in this city? And who would want to with Cain in charge, you're going to have to make sure you do not gain favor with the Lord or else you will be fertilizing the ground also.

And at the ripe age of 130 Adam lays with Eve and replaces Abel with Seth. And has even more kids after Seth. Whew, at 48 I have a hard enough time keeping up with a 3 and 5 year old. Sorry honey, I am not as willing as our forefathers to procreate.

Monday, September 20, 2010

OK. This is the first time I am attempting something like this so bare/bear with the grammar. Should have looked at the chalk board in PS#2 school instead of the back of that pretty dark headed girl in front of me.  A problem that continues to this day.  

In the beginning?

Those must have been long days? Your telling me in twenty four hours the land produced vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees. It takes a little longer to just produce a tomato in my garden and that's using   Miracle grow.
Day Four,  the waters are filled with  fishes 
Day  five we're already separating livestock from wild animals, when did the whole domestication process start?

Day six comes Adam,   Adam could not find a suitable helper amongst the creatures so now we have find him one. why not just pick up some more dust and make another person. Why take a rib and make woman from it?  We want our rib back!  Remember ladies for not  man there could not be you.

You ladies are getting a bad rap with the whole forbidden fruit saga. Adam was told not to eat from the tree of life, He knew something bad would happen.

      
.Own up Adam you knew!