Guess Who!

         
          The famine is full on now and has spread past Egyptian borders. The land of Canaan is in the shit now and Jacob hears of Egypt's stores. Ten of Jacob's remaining eleven sons head to Egypt for supplies. Benjamin stays behind with papa. Remember Joseph? Right!

          Joseph is Governor of the land, head honcho, seller of the grain. These ten idiots have no idea it is their brother they must speak with to get what they need. So here they are, in Egypt, in front of Joseph kowtowing, prostrate in front of him asking for grain.  Joseph knows who they are, remembers his dream years before and plays along, not identifying himself to his siblings.

          SPIES! He calls them. No, no, lord we are your servants, all sons of one man in search of food we are...get this (honest men). Rriiiiight, Joseph must say to himself.  They go on explaining they were originally 12 sons, but one is no more. (Guess why?) And the other is with our father in Canaan.  All but one of you will be jailed. If you're as honest as you say and are not spies, you will bring back your youngest brother Benjamin. This is to test your honesty. For three days they are locked up. Joseph says he fears God and will keep one of  the brothers. The rest he sends back to Canaan with the grains needed to feed the starving people, but unbeknown to them he gave them back their money. Joseph kept Simeon and roughed him up a bit, bound and gagged him in front of the brothers and had him dragged off.

          Holy Shit ! We're being punished because of Joseph, they said to one another. Joseph was getting stressed and turned away so they would not see him weep. Get it together Joseph! OK,  I'm good.

          Fills their sacks and gives provisions for the trek back.  Unbeknown to them he places the silver back into the sacks. On the first bivouac they see the silver is returned. "What is this that God has done to us?

          They get home and explain everything to Jacob. Schmucks! Why did you tell them of Benjamin? Is it not bad enough I lost Joseph. "But Daddy, the man spoke harshly to us and called us spies. We had to prove we were honest men." Jacob was not pleased, but when the time came to get more supplies Benjamin had to go.

          So, off they go with little Benjamin plus the original silver, and enough silver to pay for new produce.  "May God almighty grant you mercy before the man so that he will let your other brother and Benjamin come back with you. As for me, I am bereaved. I am bereaved."

         When Joseph saw his brothers return with Benjamin, who is his brother of the same mother, he has the steward of his house take them to his house and prepare a feast. The brothers don't know what to think. They are nervous. What did we do? Is it because of the silver we found in our sacks? Does he want to attack us? Seize us as slaves and take our donkeys?

        As they are brought to Joseph's house they badger the steward for answers. "Relax," he says. "Your God, the God of your father, has given you treasure in your sacks; I received the silver." Then he brought out Simon, who has been kept in Egypt.

        They ate and enjoyed the meal. Joseph asked them of their father and asked if this was the youngest, Benjamin. Seeing Benjamin he had to leave the room because he got all choked up. After the meal they were sent on their way with the goods. But Joseph was not done with them. He had a silver cup put into Benjamin's sack. Sent his forces out to intercept the brothers and accuse them of stealing.

          They are really scared now. "WTF? We are honest men. We are not thieves." They say as the bags are checked. In the order of their age they are checked. "See you found......Oh shit!....Benjamin." Now they're tearing their clothes thinking "We're dead! Dad will kill us ...again! Woe is me, woe is me."

         Dragged back like thieves, they try to figure out what is happening. "We're going to be slaves. Why me? Why me?" Duhh, dumb ass. This is all because of Joseph and the lies and our bad behavior. Joseph can take no more and reveals himself.  Noooooooooooooo  way!... Psyche! Got ya!  But Joseph is one hell of a guy. He forgives his brothers for their misgivings and his sale into slavery, for if it was not for that he would not be where he was at this point in time.

         

          So, Joseph makes nice-nice. Jacob gets reunited with Joseph, meets the Pharaoh and is given permission by the Pharaoh to move his family, all 70 of them, to Goshen, where they live fruitful and prosper.

        Jacob dies, but before he does he gives blessings to Joseph and his two children, Manasseh and Ephraim. What is weird is he blesses the youngest with his right hand saying he will be greater than the oldest. No worries, he says, the eldest will also be a great man. Joseph was not pleased, but it is what it is. Jacob also blesses the other knuckleheads. Some were chastised for the misdeeds, but from Jacob came the twelve tribes of Israel. Joseph takes Jacob's body back to Canaan with the Pharaoh's blessing. 

          Life goes on and we end the Genesis chapter of the bible. Joseph dies and his people are strong, multiplying and prospering in Egypt and the Egyptians are getting nervous. The next story.

         Makes me think of my life and where I have been and have gone through. I have done some stupid things and made some choices that were not the best. Didn't try as hard at something or tried too hard for the other. Opened the door on the right instead of the left. Chose this Job. Was not so nice to this person or that person. Should have done this or that. But, after looking at the grand scheme of things I would not be where I am now with the person I am with and would not be as happy as I am. Oh, I have some regrets, but I consider myself very lucky.





















 

 

Joseph, son of Jacob, is in the hands of the Ishmaelites, sold because of the jealousy and hatred his older brothers held for him.

 The Ishmaelites traveled to Egypt and sold Joseph to the Pharaoh’s Captain of the Guard, Potiphar.   Joseph did very well and seemed to have the Lord’s blessing. Joseph was given the title of “attendant to the captain of the guard.” The house was running like clockwork. The house was blessed under Joseph’s watch.

While Potiphar was out and about Joseph was in charge. No problem right? WRONG! Seems Mrs. Potiphar had the hots for Joseph because according to the book Joseph was HOT! Not hot like coal, but hot like good looking.  Joseph, being the saintly person he was, took his job seriously and the misses, for him, was off limits. He wanted no part of the lady. She got him alone one day while she was on the prowl and made another pass at him. When she grabbed his coat for some loving, he wiggled out and ran. Feeling spurned, she made up this story that Joseph the Hebrew attacked her and made illicit passes. The nerve of this Hebrew! Waddabitch!

Potiphar of course believed her and placed Joseph in the Pharaoh’s jail.

While Joseph was in jail, the warden took notice of Joseph and saw how the Lord favored him.  He took a liking to Joseph and put him in charge of all those in the prison. The prison, under Joseph’s watch, ran smoothly.  Landed on his feet he did and kept running. Talk about grit. 

Sometime later the Pharaoh’s cupbearer and baker offended the Pharaoh and they were placed in jail and put under Joseph’s watch. They had this weird dream for which they could not decipher.  Joseph, being the dreamer he was, deciphered the dreams. One was good. One, not so good.  Basically, Joseph told them one would be back in the Pharaoh’s graces and the other would die.   

It happened as Joseph predicted. The Pharaoh released the cup bearer and the other one was killed for his indiscretions. The cupbearer was like, “Dude, you have a gift. I’ll remember this and pass a good word on to the Pharaoh.” He forgot and Joseph spent quite some time in the pokey.  

Two friggin’ years he was in jail before the cup bearer remembers Joseph.  Happens the Pharaoh had four dreams for which his advisors could not interpret.  The cup bearer told the Pharaoh about Joseph, and Joseph was brought before the Pharaoh to interpret the dreams.

Seven years of feast and seven years of famine were to fall upon the kingdom, is what Joseph told the Pharaoh.   Joseph also said to the Pharaoh he should look for a discerning and wise man and put him in charge of the land of Egypt. Let Pharaoh appoint commissioners over the land to take a fifth of the harvest of Egypt during the seven years of abundance, store the grain under the Pharaoh’s authority in the cities to be kept as reserves for the lean years ahead.  

            The Pharaoh asked his people if there was anyone like Joseph amongst his people who had the smarts and spirit of God in his favor. They did not and Joseph was put in charge of Egypt.  The Pharaoh’s right hand man. Number two, imagine that? In jail one day and overseer of all Egypt the next. Joseph was 30 years old.  Joseph was given the Pharaoh’s signet ring and dressed in the finest linen. Joseph was given a gold chain to be placed around his neck.

            Joseph was given a bride, Asenath and had two kids with her, Manasseh and Ephraim, who were born before the famine. Things happened as Joseph predicted. Seven years of plenty. They stocked up as Joseph ordered. When the famine hit it and spread over the whole country and neighboring lands, Joseph opens up the store houses and sells the grain to the people. All the countries came to Egypt to buy the grain and Egypt was prospering monetarily.

            Joseph’s father Jacob, heard about this and sent all but the youngest son Benjamin to buy some grain. Can you see where this is heading?

Judah and Tamar

      Chronologically I am not sure where this fits in, but it comes before my next blog. Judah finds a bride after he left his brothers, probably a smart move. The boys would be heading for the pokey if not for the "favored status." He moves down to the land of Canaan and finds a bride. Shua is her name and they have three kids. Er is first followed by Onan, then Shelah.  Time goes by and it's time to find a bride for Er. Her name is Tamar.
   
      Before the wedding is consummated the Lord wakes up. Whoa, wait just a minute he must say. How did I miss this gem. Er was wicked. How wicked you ask? Well I'll tell you. He was so wicked the Lord wacked him. "Poof" Just like that.

Well you'd think that would be it, nope. Guess what the brother-in-law had to do in those days? Sleep with his brother's wife. If she is hot you may say whoo - hoo if she is not,  you can use your imagination. If you're not interested you may think about doing what son # 2 did. "Son" said dad, "lie with your brother's wife and fulfill your duty  to her as a brother- in- law to produce offspring for your brother." Onan wanted none of that, but you did not refuse your father in those days so, he lay with her, but pulled out before injecting her with his seed.

      The Lord must be into voyeurism, for he found out about the spilled seed and "WHAM!" Whacked poor Onan. What do we learn here kiddies? Good thing the Lord is kinder and gentler. Because I don't know about you, I would be headed for the bug zapper.
       Don't end here. Judah says to Tamar, "Why don't you go live with your father as a widow and when little Elmer here grows up you can marry him."  NO WAY IN HELL!  Just lost two to you, you think I'm losing my youngest to the black widow.

 Side note here- why is it her fault? It is not, but those were the days my friends.   


      Years go by and Judah doesn't keep his word. His wife dies and he grieves for a while. After the grieving, he heads down to see how his herd is going. Tamar hears the word about her father-in-law heading her way so she heads out. She takes off her widow ware and slips into something more comfortable. Oh, and she covers her face so he won't recognize her. Did I tell you that is what prostitutes did in those days? She sits by a shrine on the side of the road.

     Here comes old Judah, sees this fine young honey just sitting there, it's not like she says "Hey sailor." He propositions her. She says, "What will be my payment?" and he promises a baby goat. But, she is no dummy, she knows Judah's word is not worth the dirt on the ground, so she wants collateral. Judah pledges his seal and cord, also the staff in his hand.

      They get it on, he gets a move on, she goes home and gets changed back into her widow's garb. Judah sends the pledge, can't find the shrine prostitute so he gets his goat back. Hope word doesn't get out because that would be bad.

      Three months go by and he gets word about his daughter-in-law and her "changed status."  "Slut," he says "Burn that wicked woman. How dare she?" She is accused of being a prostitute. "Now, just wait a minute," she says "The baby daddy is the owner of these." And she shows the pledge. Check friggin' mate, sucka!

Like a politician caught taking a bribe, he scuttles like the rat he is and acknowledges she is more righteous than he because he did not give her his youngest. And he did not sleep with her again.

      She had twins. Maybe we will hear about them later.

  
Lesson for today is: Good thing we're not living by the Old Testament. Just saying!

Sibling rivalries

          A few monikers come to mind when I read about these people, some would call them "terms of endearment." For instance, while I was patrolling the streets of Brooklyn we used the term "dirt bag," some would say "rednecks" or, like where I live in Vermont, the term "woodchuck" would be used. But, my wife quickly scolded me because in certain parts of this state, it is a term of endearment. Sorry honey, but it is derogatory, not a nice term.  Where I grew up in Inwood, Long island we used to be called "Bay Rats" or "mud ducks" because of the proximity to the bay and our usual debauchery and lack of the finer things.

         Anyhoo, I'll use "Dirt Bags." These dirt bags, Jacobs kids, were herders. Not very good at it according to Joseph, the second youngest and Jacob's favorite. The brothers despised Joseph for the favored status of the father. Matter of fact, Joseph made a special multicolored jacket for him of the finest materials.  The brothers did not have a kind thing to say about Joseph...ever! Joseph would rat on his brothers about their poor work ethics to dad.  Joseph was also a dreamer, he once dreamt that his sheaf (like a round hay bale) stood up on its own and his brothers' sheafs bowed down to it.

          You little turd. They were like, if you think we will bow to you you have another think coming. This pissed them off. But, when Joseph told him that in his last dream the sun, moon and eleven stars bowed down to him, they had enough. They hated him for it.

         What we don't know here is if Joseph was was one of those snot nose arrogant type of spoiled kids who you want to smack about the head and body just because. But we will take it like the brothers are the "dirt bags"

       Jacob says to Joseph one day, "BOY! Why don't you go on out and see what your brothers are doing?  Then report back to me."  Joseph did.  The brothers saw him coming and plotted his death. Like I said, "Dirt Bags." Only one brother, Reuben, wanted no part of this and tried to help. Reuben came up with a plan to throw him down a cistern (well) so he can return later and save him. They agreed to toss him down the well and leave him. They did not want to shed their own kins blood. They grabbed Joseph, took his robe, tied him up, then threw him down the well.

     Nice guys huh? They decide to sit by the cistern and eat. While they are drinking Budweiser and nibbling on goat cheese doodles (Dirt Bags love Bud) a band of traveling Ishmaelites come traipsing by. Judah has this big idea, "Hey, let's sell Joseph to the Ishmaelites." They agree. Better than killing him and we'll never see him again. So for 20 shekels of silver, Joseph is sold.... Then he is later sold in Egypt to the Pharaohs Captain of the Guard, Potiphar. Sucks don't it! But it  works out for Joseph, a later blog.  Not so for Judah, the next blog.

       The brothers killed a goat, splattered the multicolored robe with the blood, and told Jacob Joseph was eaten by wild animals. Jacob believed them and mourned. Oh he also tore his clothes. I forgot that Reuben also tore his clothes when he found out what happened to Joseph. Whats with the tearing of  clothes? maybe we will get the meaning later.
         

Jacob's lot

"I am God of Abraham and Isaac, I will always be by your side and protect you. I will give you many children, like the grains of sand on a beach. The land that you are lying on now will belong to you and your children."
    
 "Jacob's ladder," heard of it. Now I know the reference. That was his vision when he was told he was going to have lots of kids.



Twelve in all, eleven boys and one girl Dinah. The crew is getting too big for the area and has to move. A rebellious group are they. Not one I would invite to Casa de Miller anytime soon, cause they would rob me blind and have me thanking them for doing so, because they were the Lord's "favored people"

    The first place they settled, their daughter Dinah was violated by Shechem, son of Hamor the Hivite, ruler of the area, who then was so enthalled with her he wanted her hand in marriage. Sounds like she may have been a willing partner. We are only getting one side of the story here, and so far I'm not too impressed with the word of this crew.

       The brothers from hell wanted no part of that. They were pissed that their sister had sex with Shechem.The offer was made for her hand and Hamor offered them what ever price they wanted. Hamor even welcomed them into his land and wanted peace, looking forward to the day when the children of Jacob mingled and went forth to be fruitful with his community.

       Because they thought Dinah was violated, they told Hamor to have all the men folk circumcised. It would be a disgrace for their women to mingle with uncircumcised males. Shechem and Hamor agreed and also convinced the town folk the same. 

      Told the town folk this was a win-win situation, we can both prosper. "These were nice people".

      Guess what? After the weenies were sliced and the men were in pain, two of the chosen few, Simeon and Levi slaughtered every male in town, then the others took the women and their possessions as booty. 

     When Jacob found out what had happened he was like W.T.F. now we have to get out of here because we are few in numbers and when the other area towns find out about this we're dead-meat. Told his lot to get rid of the loot and women and change their clothes. Cleans yourselves. 

        I love the attitude of these two guys. "Should he have treated our sister like a prostitute" ...WHAT! You slaughter a village for one man's actions and have no remorse?  

      God says to Jacob, run back to where you came from I'll cover your ass so no one follows you. And he does? Go make an altar to me and all will basically be forgiven. Jacob makes the altar where he had his vision of "Jacob's ladder". where the Lord first spoke with him.  

     His last kid, Benjamin, is born on the way and his wife Rachel dies after childbirth. Supposedly there is still the pillar which marks Rachel's grave standing. 

    Insult to injury, Reuben, Jacob's oldest, sneaks into daddy's concubines  tent one night and slips her the Hebrew national.Why is this important? I don't know, it is in the book. Perhaps it will be relevant later.

Issacs Kids, Esau and Jacob

We continue our journey through the Bible with my thoughts on Issac's kids; Esau and Jacob. Well, just look at the history of the names. Esau ="Hairy-Red".  Jacob= "Grasps the heel-deceitful". The name definitions should give you a heads up to what is coming.

The more I read, the more this sounds like a modern soap opera.  Who is doing who and who is jealous of who and how can I get ahead of that guy.

Jacob is the guy that by any means necessary he will get ahead and Esau is the guy you just want to slap upside the head and say "wake up dumb ass". Esau was the first born of Issac and was a man of the open land. A hunter man of substance, a provider.  Jacob was a mama's boy, nuff said. Issac favored Esau and you would figure that he would be the man, seeing that the favored person always gets ahead...

Mama's boy Jacob was her favorite and would be the cog here. Starting off when Esau comes back from a hunt famished. Jacob is making a red soup and Esau is hungry so you figure he would just go and get some. Sorry folks. He asks Mama's boy to fetch him some chow. Jacob makes a deal: Esau's birthright for some chow. I'm screaming "don't do it!" but he did not listen to me. How hungry can you be to do that? 

 

          Oh it gets better!  Issac is getting on in years and he knows his time is short. He wants to bless Esau before he passes on. Says to Esau, "Go fetch me some of that tasty game and make me a meal then I will give you my blessing." Don't you know Rebekah, Jacob's champion, was listening in and wanted Jacob to get the blessing of Ole Issac. Tells Jacob the story and has him (while Esau is out hunting) get her two young lamb for her to cook up and he, Jacob, will go in Esau's place. Jacob slightly resists, probably because of their physical differences but Mom throws some lamb skin on Jacob and dresses Jacob in Esau's clothes and Jacob gets the blessing.  I'm saying to myself "you S. O. B. Esau is going to kick your ass!"

Oh is Esau pissed when he gets back and finds out  about the "Deception." Instead of kicking his ass, he broods like a little girl crying to Issac "Why can't you bless me?" Good question. Why can't he just take it back? Makes you think about the power of the word and what you say to someone. They didn't fool around back then.

         Issac gives Esau some lame blessing and while Esau plans Jacob's demise Rebekah says "RUN FOREST" another story, but it fits. Issac and Rebekah come up with a story about how he needs to find a mate and Issac sends him off to mama's homeland because they live in Canaan, (remember Cain), his land, and they think they're better than those lowlifes.

          Esau finds out about this and finds a daughter of... wait for it...wait for it....Ishmael! Well not really his daughter, just a female relation and not only does he marry her, but another Canaanite as well. Oh does this irritate the family! The original "guess whose coming to dinner". I didn't make it up, it's in the book!

          Back to Jacob and welcome to Peyton Place. Jacob is on the lamb, frightened, but he had a vision one night, so vivid and wonderful, seeing the stairway to heaven and angels coming and going.  Jacob accepted the Lord into his heart and promises 10 percent of his future wages.

         Jacob crossed the river Jordan with nothing, but the staff he is carrying and stumbles to the land of Uncle La Ban Nabor. Sees his future bride watering her heard and makes a deal with Uncle Labon: 7yrs servitude for this beauty. Wouldn't this be his cousin? "Like sand through the hour glass..." See, soaps.

Ah, uncle Labon is a shrewdy.  He has an older daughter and deceives the deceiver and gives him her, who I guess is no beauty, but he lies with her...not tell a lie, but bed type of lie.  Jacob says "WTF Labon?! You screwed me!" "Oh no my son", says Labon. "Can't just give you Rachel while Leah, the oldest, is still a lady in waiting. How about I make you a deal?"                               

(Jacob should have ran!)

         
"Give Leah her bridal week, and I'll give you Rachel for 7 yrs servitude."  That's 14 years!
"Deal" he says, now he has two wives.

Treats Leah like crap.  The Lord sees how Leah is treated and dries up Rachel. Leah has four kids whilst Rachel has nadda. Pisses her off, it does. Oh, one of the kids is named Judah. I think he becomes important later on. Not sure, but I think...

History is going to rear its ugly head. Rachel wants kids so she offers one of her maidservants for him to marry. He does! Has some kids and Rachel is happy. Now Leah is pissed cause she is getting no sleepy time with Jacob, so she has not been able to procreate and offers up her maid servant.

Dumbass takes her up on it and now the kiddie race is on. At least Jacob is getting a lot of sack time with the ladies, but who is tending the sheep? Somewhere in this mess there is a fight over mandrake plants and a trade is made. All this trading? One of Leah's kids finds this stuff and Rachel wants some. Makes a deal for the other to get some loving time with their man and pops another kid, a boy, then finally, Dinah, a girl.

About 20 years passes here in Peyton Place, and Rachel is the one out and complains to the Lord and low and behold she has a boy, Joseph. Now I know I've heard his name before.

Jacob is getting homesick and wants to go, but Uncle, I mean father-in-law, Labon, is upset because he figures the Lord has Jacob's favor and he has become a rich man because of Jacob. Labon don't want to lose his cash cow. They go back and forth, and like a thief in the night, Jacob hightails it. Rachel ransacks the home of her dad while he is out, and there is a big tadoo when Papa catches up with them and they agree to disagree and build a stone pile saying basically I'll stay here and you stay there. I love ya, good-bye, hugs kisses, pats the grand kids on the ass and off they go.

Remember this guy the hairy red head? So does Jacob and he prepares his tribe to split in two so when Esau comes to get him at least half the tribe will live. Jacob gets tribute ready for Esau and sends emissaries ahead. The emissaries come back and tell Jacob Esau is coming with 400 people. Whoa is he nervous. Getting close now, Jacob, at night, sends off the community of folk in waves, he stays back and out of some where this guy shows up for a wrestling match. I find out Jacob is quite the wrestler because he is holding his own with this guy. Who the hell are you, he asks? And the guy sees he can't overpower this mere mortal an zaps his hip and wrenches it out of the socket. Come to find out the guy is no other than, God! God is impressed with Jacob and says you will no longer go by that name. I now call you Isreal.

         So much for mama's boy, he turns out to be a tough dude! But if he is so scared of his brother, his brother must be a monster. That is figuratively. The name "Bear Jew" comes to mind from a movie I saw, those "Inglorious Basterds." Watch it, and you will figure out the reference.

 They finally meet and instead of getting a shiv in the back from Esau, he gets a big hug and they live happily ever after.

Ishmael and Issac

          I'm having a hard time with Abraham and his lack of patience. Didn't the lord say that he would be the father of nations? Looking back at his forefathers, he was still a baby. I don't know about your wife, but I would get a kick in the ass even if I thought about grabbing on Hagar and go begetting,. Even if it was her idea!  TEST! You know, not only is the Lord testing  you, so is she and guess what Abraham? You failed the test. Go ahead, I'm all dried up, (RRriight) TEST! 

      No way here brother, I won't go there. My wife is a black belt, and I don't want to wake up hanging from it. Wouldn't do it anyway, honey! And what kind of name is Hagar? You know Ishmael is going to be treated like a red headed step child in an albino colony.  So finally Sara is able to procreate. SEE Abe ya just had to trust in the Lord. Here comes Issac and guess what?  Sarah boots Hagar and Ishmael the first chance she gets.

          Abraham hears voices again, and the voice tells him to take his son and sacrifice him. "WHAT?" Is this another test? Ole Abe is not going to disobey the Lord again so he tells Issac to go fetch some wood so we can make burnt offerings and sacrifice a little lamb. Issac must do a double take cause he does not see any kind of four legged creature around. I'm sure Abraham had a Cheshire cat grin on his face when he told Issac, don't worry the lord will provide. Good thing there are no phones cause I was going to call child protective services on his ass. I would too. Just what was going through Isaac's head while he was being tied up by daddy and put on a wood pile? Daddy I didn't mean to take that extra cookie, promise. And just at the last minute an Angel grabs Abraham's hand and saves Issac. I .  WOULD .   BE  .  PISSED. Lord or not. Sorry. Look who just became a pagan, matter of fact gimme that piece of foreskin back. Jerk...just kidding. 

         Everything worked out, and Isaac must have forgiven his father because in a little bit Abraham sends off a servant to find a mate for Isaac and comes back with one. That is the next story. 

Abraha, Sarah, Ishmael and Issac

          Now after all the begetting and go forth and procreating we come to Abram - Abraham.  There is no question of his fear of the Lord or faith in the lord whatever you prefer, for he almost sishkabobed his son Issac after the lord told him to do so. If not for an angel who at the last second said "Whoa! Just kidding". We will get back to that.

The question is why does the Lord have so much favor on such persons? Pre-Isaac, Abraham marries his niece Sarah, but along his travels from his homeland, Ur, today's Iraq, he is not very honest. He twice tells two separate kings in lands he is squatting in that Sarah is his sister so the kings won't kill him? Why would they want him dead in the first place? Anyhoo, the Lord sees that these kings have Abraham's wife and does horrible things to them, their lands, and their people. These kings say "What the hell? Why would you do such a thing?" so they pay him off with goods and livestock and tell Abraham to skedaddle. 

           Now Sarah has been barren and Abraham has been promised by the Lord that his kin will prosper and fill the land like sand on the beach. He is about 90 yrs old and Sarah knows the Lord's prophesies so she says "take Hagar my maidservant, and go forth and be fruitful". So he does, and she bears Ishmael. 

        

Abraham's nephew, Lot, has been tagging along and gets into a few scuffles and they part and Lot settles near Sodom and Gomorrah. These three visitors come and visit Abraham and they turn out to be the Lord and two of his henchman, (ahem) I mean angels. He tells Abraham he is not happy about the crazy Sodom and Gomorrahians and their swinging ways. Abraham has the Lord make a deal if he finds one person who is worthy of the Lord's benevolence he will save them. Guess what? He did not find a soul. Poor bastards.

         

          So Abraham, he has the henchmen, I mean Angels, warn Lott and his family and gives him time to exit the area. But the caveat is no looking back! The dumb sons of  bitches from town found out that Lot had visitors and stormed Lot's home.  The sickos wanted to have sex with them. Did not fare well for them did it?

         His wife can't resist and looks back and is now a salt pile some where in Jordan. You know the rest. With no eligible bachelors around, Lot's daughters get restless and get him drunk and have their way with him and get themselves knocked up by their dad. It's in the book!

          Back to Abraham- During the visit the lord tells Abraham he will have a son with Sarah. They do. And at the ripe old age of 90, Sarah has Issac.  Oh yea, I forgot. Abraham and Ishmael were the first two to get circumcised, this was a covenant they made with the Lord. And we circumcised males have suffered the few extra minutes of loving since.  

Babel

          Now that Noah's Relations have been  fruitful and have prospered.  They figure out how to make bricks and they get this big idea: Let's build a city and live together so we're not scattered through the world. We will make a name for ourselves by building a tower to heaven. 

                                                    Spirit of cooperation right?

          The Lord strolls around and finds this monstrosity and says, No friggin way! I DON'T THINK SO! I don't want these mere mortals hanging with me.  Now, he promised Noah he would play nice and pulled a little magic out of his hat.  

          "Ill fix these smart asses."   He is a little scared that if these guys with their common language can do this together,  there is no telling what they can do. 

          "BAM" lets confuse these guys with the different languages. So the next day they're all babbling to each other cause they don't know what the hell the other is saying.

          So much for cooperation! And he scattered them all over the earth where they can live amongst people who know what the hell they're saying.

          Now, when someone calls you a babbling idiot you know where it comes from.

Im On a Boat!

I’m on a boat!

       At 500 yrs of age Noah fathers Shem, Ham and Japheth!!!!           

          So, the lord is not happy with his evil wicked people, and is going to wipe the slate clean. But he finds Noah, at around 600 years of age, to be a righteous man, blameless amongst the people of his time.  Noah is in his favor, good thing Cain is not around.  Noah is advised of God's plan and God advises Noah to build a boat (ARK).  He gives Noah specific measurements: 450’ long by 75’ wide by 45’ high.  Bigger than a destroyer, but smaller than an aircraft carrier.

        

          [These measurements were put to the test by some very smart people, a Dr. Henry Morris in 1971 and a David Collins in 1977. They concluded the Ark would have been stable and would have been sea worthy, more stable than modern ships due to the fact that Noah wasn’t worried about getting anywhere in a hurry. That gets into hull design for which I haven’t a clue. ]

        So we know the ark is capable.

        God tells Noah how to build the interior and who his passengers will be: 7 of every kind of clean animal (Clean animal? Shouldn’t  they all be clean, who wants a dirty animal in a cramped space for an unknown length of time?) a male and it's mate,  and 2 of every type of unclean animal, a male and its mate. 7 pair of all the birds (that’s going to be a lot of poo) and Noah’s family.

 Plus food for the trip. 

The manifest was changed from the original two of each seven days prior to departure.

            Now Noah is 600 yrs old when the rains come and for 40 days and nights the flood waters came.  Can you imagine the stench inside that sealed ark? What about the sanitary issues. How the heck did they get rid of all the crap?  I'm sure more than one person got sea sick. There was only one window, which by the way was “SEALED!”

That is a small space for all the species of the world. What did the Unicorn do to not get invited?

Then the rain stopped, but the ark was floating around for another 150 days! Hence the need for stability, not forward speed because they didn’t really have anywhere to go.  That gave time for all the evil nasty creatures whom breathed life from its nostrils to die and become food for the fishes. (Heard there is a story of a guy later on who swims with a whale.)

           

            So the Ark finally lands in the mountains of Ararat, but they're still locked in for a few more months. Oh my!

             So he sends a raven out to survey the situation for a while, then a dove is sent out a few times until a dove comes back with a fresh olive leaf. Time to go!

All totaled, about a year locked up with all the nastiness.  God gives the all clear sign, and Noah and family are to start anew.

God says he won’t do that again, even though he knows there is evil in man's heart from childhood. (Just ask any parent of a toddler) Noah is told to go forth and be fruitful and increase in number...at 601 years old! Go forth and be fruitful!

A pact is made with Noah and family, everything that lives and moves will be food for you.  But, make sure the animals don’t have their lifeblood when you eat them.  

God made a rainbow as a sign of his pact between them. Wonder if there is a pot of gold?

Noah lives to be 950 years old.

The world is re-populating. Here we go again?

Fuzzy Math

So now Adam and Eve are on their own and the Garden of Eden is off limits and guarded by cherubim and a flaming sword.
        
Here come Cain and Abel, that makes four.

Cain is pissed that Abel is in higher favor with the Lord and does him in. That makes three. Or does it?
"Cain Lay with his Wife" What the? Where did she come from? Last I heard there was three. So, I hear from reliable sources Genesis is not in chronological order and he married his sister, eww.


And Cain builds this city called Enoch??? (scratching my head) Who is going to live in this city? And who would want to with Cain in charge, you're going to have to make sure you do not gain favor with the Lord or else you will be fertilizing the ground also.

And at the ripe age of 130 Adam lays with Eve and replaces Abel with Seth. And has even more kids after Seth. Whew, at 48 I have a hard enough time keeping up with a 3 and 5 year old. Sorry honey, I am not as willing as our forefathers to procreate.

A

OK. This is the first time I am attempting something like this so bare/bear with the grammar. Should have looked at the chalk board in PS#2 school instead of the back of that pretty dark headed girl in front of me.  A problem that continues to this day.  

In the beginning?

Those must have been long days? Your telling me in twenty four hours the land produced vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees. It takes a little longer to just produce a tomato in my garden and that's using   Miracle grow.
Day Four,  the waters are filled with  fishes 
Day  five we're already separating livestock from wild animals, when did the whole domestication process start?

Day six comes Adam,   Adam could not find a suitable helper amongst the creatures so now we have find him one. why not just pick up some more dust and make another person. Why take a rib and make woman from it?  We want our rib back!  Remember ladies for not  man there could not be you.

You ladies are getting a bad rap with the whole forbidden fruit saga. Adam was told not to eat from the tree of life, He knew something bad would happen.

      
.Own up Adam you knew!